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My Writings

by Angel Star of I wrote this in 2012.

One of my nephews took his life a few weeks ago, in July of 2012, and I’ve been thinking and thinking, why? He was 36 and he apparently planned to do it for some time. He was smart and had great parents. I only had three nephews! Maybe this nephew was kind of shy and a loner. Maybe. Maybe he was bullied in school. He took everything down from his Facebook account before he did it. He left the empty account there though, blank. Or practically blank. Yeah, it’s still just sitting there. And I’ve been thinking about suicide and depression and stuff ever since. Not for me. Just thinking about why for other people.

I just had a dream where I was in supposedly a general science class in college but it felt more like a middle school class. The text books kept being taken away and given back again. The teacher was hopeless. The kids around me were getting bored out of their minds. One kid was picking on another kid. I just told him to cut it out. But I knew it would go on and on and on later. It happens all the time. So some kid is smart or shy or wears old clothes or is short or fat or something. And then there are these other kids who are picking on him or her. Well, it’s the kids who pick on the others who have the low self-esteem. So they have to be bullies and it makes them feel better. What is it all about? To the bullies: Go find something else to make you feel better. Help someone less fortunate than you. Forget about your other stupid bully friends.

Image: Teenage girl in high school graduation picture in 1969I was a shy, gawky kid in school when I was young. I wore glasses. I was picked on and bullied. I’m not young any more. I thought things would get better for kids in school by now and it hasn’t. I could have been smart in school but I was slow and frightened and skinny and wore glasses. The teachers didn’t care. My parents didn’t care; they had too much to do taking care of my siblings and me and keeping us fed and in clothing. I had friends and it probably wasn’t as bad for me as it might be for some, especially these days. But still. I thought things would be getting better by now. Maybe they are just the same. Or are they worse?

I am so sad that my nephew killed himself. I think and wonder if he had been bullied when he was little too.

Why can’t we get it together and get along? Everyone... Maybe the parents don’t make much money and they take it out on heir kids. I wish this didn’t still go on.

People, PLEASE! Live within your means. Stop wanting and wanting and wanting more stuff! Enjoy your life and family the way things are. Get a smaller house. Have less kids.

Image: Little girl smiling in the 1950sNow there’s a big thorn in my side. Have less kids! If you can’t love them all and can’t keep them in nice clothing and can’t feed them right and can’t treat them all with respect then HAVE LESS KIDS! Use birth control. I don't care what the Christians or what the Catholic Church says. Teenagers who are thinking of having sex because you think some guy loves you. Or you just want his attention and human contact. Don’t do it! Don’t go having a baby because you think it would be cool and would get you more attention. It won’t. Then the kid will grow up and be depressed and unhappy.

I saw a bumper sticker some time ago: If You Can't Feed 'em, Don't Breed 'em. I'd say, if you can't take good care of yourself then you probably can't take good care of a child, so don't have any!

I watched some videos on YouTube with some teenagers who had been bullied and were thinking of suicide and they were cutting themselves. They were beautiful young girls! What’s going on with this world? Can’t we make things better?

Like I said, Have less kids, treat them with respect, love them lots, talk to them. Make sure they are doing okay at school. If we can do that all over the world then the children who are treated with love and respect will grow up and treat their own kids the same way and we will have a new cycle of love and respect.

Public schools are another thing. We have them but they are a joke. Do the kids learn anything? They just live throughout most of their day with each other and with these people who call themselves teachers, but most of them are incompetent. I’m sure there are some good teachers out there. But most don’t get paid enough and can’t do a good job and are probably overwhelmed. Or they are just stupid and don't care. That’s another story.

I sent my poor daughter to public schools. Well, she actually started out in a private school but then switched at the end of 4th grade to a public school. Her 4th grade teacher in the private school was a psycho. But that, again, is another story.  My daughter was strong and as far as I know she was never bullied. She never let it happen. And she never bullied others.

You out there who are thinking of cutting yourselves or committing suicide: Stop. Don’t do it. There’s stuff on the Internet about how bad suicide is for everyone, and that it doesn’t always work.  You might end up like a vegetable. You think you are not loved, but you are. Don’t do it! I would have said before that it gets better when you get older but I can’t say that because look at what I wrote above about my 36 year old (and below about my 50-something year old) nephew taking his own life. God, I just feel horrible that he did that.

Here’s a link, a complete guide to painless suicide: Roger Blazic's Complete guide to suicide; also go to to check out any other information he may have.  As he says, there is really is no such thing as painless suicide but read this anyway and people’s comments. It’s interesting. Plus you can watch videos of people on YouTube who tried and didn’t succeed and are happy that they didn’t. Or at least are saying they are trying to get better. Sometimes it can be a stinky, shitty world, but there are also lots of beautiful things and people out there. Try to focus on that.

And then, where is my nephew now? His soul? His spirit? The Catholic Church used to say that suicides would go straight to hell. I talked to my cousin who’s a devout Catholic and she says they changed all that. She said, “He’s with your parents.” And according to the Roman Catholic church my parents are in heaven! So what’s the deal? Now they say if it’s because they have a mental problem then it’s okay. As far as I'm concerned everyone who would actually take their own life has a mental problem! Actually, everyone on this planet has a mental problem. What really happens to us when we die? Heaven? Hell? Reincarnation? What? Please tell me what? Or maybe THIS is hell! Somebody who is dead please come to me in a dream and answer my questions! And make sure I remember the dream afterwards!

Image: Young woman laughingI was wondering another thing, if the Catholic church used to believe that people who killed themselves went straight to Hell, and now they don't, then what happened to all those people who went to Hell before? Did God go down into Hell and grab them and say, "Oops! Sorry, my mistake. You're going to heaven now."? Not that I believe in Heaven and Hell.... anyway.

Some time ago we came upon an accident. There was a truck on its side. The accident had just happened. There was a young woman pinned under the truck. We got her out. All she wanted was to get out and live and get back with her boyfriend and get well! Life is a good thing! Really it is!

I’m still thinking about suicide and why people do it and I will continue to watch more videos on YouTube. I don’t think about suicide for myself… much. I just wish things were better in this world. Or at least in this country. Then maybe the goodness would spread all over the world. Yeah, even I sometimes think my life has been shitty and I think I wish someone would shoot me or something. But I have to get on with my life. I’m going to start writing more articles and putting them on my Web site.  I hope. It helps me when I write stuff. And I hope it will help someone else reading this.

Addition: Another nephew of mine killed himself in November. This is December 31, 2012 and it's the first time I am able to write about this. This second nephew was in his 50s. Why? I already miss him so much. He had a hard life. Several weeks ago I had a dream about him and we were all happy and hugging and he let me know that he's happy now. Was that real or was it just a dream? It felt like it was real and it felt like he was telling me he's fine. There was a lot of love between us during that dream. There was a lot of love between us during life. I will miss his calls. He started calling me more and more after my other nephew killed himself. I guess he was reaching out. I told him many times that I loved him and I told him that he had to live longer than me. He'd been sick and couldn't work and I guess feeling depressed. I wish he hadn't done this to himself. I miss him.

I know, I don’t have a place for comments. If you want you can email me.

All photos are of me: Linda
Started: August 8, 2012; updated September 26, 2012;
Updated again December 31, 2012, Updated again Sept. 1, 2014
Updated a bit yet again June 11, 2016. And I fixed the link on June 25, 2019.
Updated again October 2020.

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