God Loves Me?
by Linda of angelstarcreations.com
I can't sleep. So I’m going to write this.
People have said I should love myself. I read that we should love ourselves. I try to love myself.
This whole God thing.… I’ve been told by some people that “God Loves You.” What a bunch of bull! Is there even a God?
If He/She loves me so much why was I born the way I was?
I was so scared and shy and anxious when I was young that when I had speech class on Thursdays in high school I used to often vomit on the way to the bus on those days. I could barely say my name when standing in front of the class. Never mind say anything else! Sometimes I'd skip that class.
One time in high school (I think it was high school) I had a paper that I had done a good job on. I think I forgot it at home or something. I never turned it in. I was too shy to turn it in late. I was chastised for not having the paper done.
When I was in grammar school (grades 1-6) I couldn't spell well or do math. My dad used to call me slow or stupid. My oldest sister called me stupid. I just couldn't learn the way other students did. There was one girl in 3rd grade who helped me with math. At least she tried to help me. I did third grade twice. I got kept back. I didn't "get it" till I was in high school. Still, I never thought of myself as college material so I took the business courses in high school. I did better in high school than in lower grades, still not great though.
I was horrible in gym class. I was the second to last kid picked for teams in grades 1-6. The retarded kid was the last one picked. (I know, retarded is politically or whatever incorrect these days, but that’s what we said back in the 1960s.)
I wanted to do art in high school, but something happened where I got another class instead and I was too shy to go to the office or whatever to get them to let me be in the art class. So I never got to take another art class in high school.
One time in junior high school I thought I had lost one of my class books, then I found it. I was too shy to take the book to the teacher so I just left it by the lockers.
I was raped a couple of times when I was in my early 20s. I might have been sexually abused by a couple of uncles when I was quite little. I don’t remember this from when I was little, but I was told by a psychic that I had been “messed with” by a couple of uncles. I believe it. Raping and sexual abusing was going on around me. A couple of cousins were raped and a few were sexually abused. And a couple of nieces were raped. I remember the one or two, or whatever, that happened to me from when I was in my early 20s. Then I had sex with some random men also in my early 20s. I was scared of men, but then I did that. I just wanted love I guess. I never got pregnant, thank goodness.
I've never told anyone some of this.
Then I finally attended college starting when I was 51! I did good! I got all As! I was an honor student! I got an All-New Mexico award! (see photo on here) I did all the extra credit work. I worked my butt off! I even took a public speaking class and did okay. I forced myself to do good! Not only in the speech class but in all my classes. At first I got loans which are now all paid off. I didn’t know anything about college. Eventually I found out, since I was so poor, I could get Pell Grants and stuff. I also worked as a work-study student in the college library. I quit going because my Pell Grants ran out. I got an Associate's Degree in General Science here in Taos, New Mexico.
Okay I had to get all that off my chest. There's a lot more I could say about God and religion and spirituality. Maybe I should write a book. I’m putting this here on my website. Maybe I’ll add more later.
Really, all in all, I've had a good life. We're poor now. Not as bad as some people. We have some money set aside for emergencies. We get help from the government. We live in a teeny tiny house out in the middle of nowhere.... in among the sagebrush. We pay only five dollars a year for real estate taxes. We have solar panels for electricity. We poop and pee in a bucket with wood flakes and my husband Bert hauls it out to some enclosures to let it sit to turn it into compost. (Some people do that out here; some have outhouses.) Whether we'll ever plant anything... who knows? We burn firewood in the winter for heat. Part of our house is a travel trailer. We have a propane stove for cooking. We each have a cell phone. We just got WiFi the beginning of 2020. I'm happy we did. Covid-19 keeps us home most of the time. We keep our expenses down.
We eat out on occasion. We're doing okay. We got good mattresses in 2018 or 2019. 300 bucks each on sale. We can manage stuff like that. My old mattress was caving in.
We have three old cars (one is a truck) that are still running. They are fine. We spend less on insuring them than we would for a newer car. We'd have to get better insurance for a newer car. We have just what insurance is required on our three old cars.
Alright, I'm gonna give sleep another chance. Night night. I hope. It's about 1:00 AM here now.
Written the wee hours of the morning of May 20, 2019.
Addendum later in the morning:
Yeah, I wrote that above at 1:00 AM. That bit about when people say "God loves you" rankles.
It’s not that I'm an atheist or anything. I think of myself more of an agnostic. I guess. Really, I don't know what I am. Anyway, were doing fine. We live on little money. We live in a beautiful place. We get to look out upon a huge expanse of land and on to the mountains! We have all the necessities. We go into town a couple of times a week to get our food and stuff. Well, once a week since Covid-19 hit.
It's all good.
People have said (like certain relatives) they couldn't live as we live, but we're okay with it. Written in 2019. Updated in 2020.